Coercive Control
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  • Home
  • What is Coercive Control
  • Warning Signs
  • NY Campaign To End Coercive Control
  • Books
    • Dr. Evan Stark: Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life (Interpersonal Violence)
    • Dr. Lisa Aronson Fontes: Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship
    • Freedom Programme: Living With The Dominator
    • Rachel Williams: The Devil At Home: The horrific true story of a woman held captive
    • Sandra Horley: Power And Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers
  • Research and Resources
    • The Freedom Programme
    • Clare Walker Consultancy
    • Evan Stark: Coercive Control—Revitalizing a Movement
    • Evan Stark: Re-presenting Battered Women: Coercive Control and the Defense of Liberty
    • Sylvia Walby & Jude Towers: Untangling the concept of coercive control: Theorizing domestic violent crime
    • Cassandra Weiner: Seeing What is ‘Invisible in Plain Sight’: Policing Coercive Control
    • RIPFA: Coercive Control

Coercive Control

Controlling and Psychological Intimate Partner Abuse

Survivor Testimony

    NY Times: With Coercive Control, the Abuse Is Psychological

    NY Times: With Coercive Control, the Abuse Is Psychological

    by coercivecontrol_x17tsi August 15, 2018August 16, 2018

    BY ABBY ELLIN | JULY 11, 2016 12:45 PM |

    Lisa Fontes’s ex-boyfriend never punched her, or pulled her hair. But he hacked into her computer, and installed a spy cam in her bedroom, and subtly distanced her from her friends and family.

    Still, she didn’t think she was a victim of domestic abuse. “I had no way to understand this relationship except it was a bad relationship,” said Dr. Fontes, 54, who teaches adult education at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.

    It was only after doing research on emotional abuse that she discovered a name for what she experienced: Coercive control, a pattern of behavior that some people — usually but not always men — employ to dominate their partners. Coercive control describes an ongoing and multipronged strategy, with tactics that include manipulation, humiliation, isolation, financial abuse, stalking, gaslighting and sometimes physical or sexual abuse.

    “The number of abusive behaviors don’t matter so much as the degree,” said Dr. Fontes, the author of “Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship.” “One woman told me her husband didn’t want her to sleep on her back. She had to pack the shopping cart a certain way, wear her clothes a certain way, wash herself in the shower in a certain order.”

    While the term “coercive control” isn’t widely known in the United States, the concept of nonphysical forms of mistreatment as a kind of domestic abuse is gaining recognition. In May, the hashtag #MaybeHeDoesntHitYou took off on Twitter, with users sharing their own stories.

    Last December, England and Wales expanded the definition of domestic abuse to include “coercive and controlling behavior in an intimate or family relationship,” making it a criminal offense carrying a maximum sentence of five years. To date, at least four men have been sentenced under the new law.

    “In this approach, many acts that had been treated as low-level misdemeanors or not treated as offenses at all are considered as part of a single course of serious criminal conduct,” said Evan Stark, a forensic social worker and professor emeritus at Rutgers University, whose work helped shaped the new law in England and Wales.

    Dr. Stark, the author of “Coercive Control,” noted that the English law pertains to a course of conduct over time. American law still does not address coercive control; it deals only with episodes of assault, and mainly protects women who have been subjected to physical attacks. But in about 20 percent of domestic violence cases there is no bodily harm, he said.

    Coercive control often escalates to spousal physical violence, as a 2010 study in The Journal of Interpersonal Violence found. “Control is really the issue,” said Connie Beck, a co-author of the study and an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona. “If you can control a person’s basic liberties verbally — where they go, who they see, what they do — you do not necessarily have to hit them regularly, but if a person is not complying, then often physical abuse escalates.”

    To a victim of coercive control, a threat might be misinterpreted as love, especially in the early stages of a relationship, or when one is feeling especially vulnerable.

    Dr. Fontes, for example, was in her 40s and newly divorced when she met her ex-boyfriend. He was charming and adoring, and though he was a little obsessive, she overlooked it. Never mind that she has a Ph.D. in counseling psychology, and specializes in child abuse and violence against women.

    “For a person looking for love and romance, it can feel wonderful that someone wants to monopolize your time,” she admitted.

    For Rachel G., 46, a mother of three who lives outside Boston (she didn’t want her full name used to protect her privacy), the manipulation was all-consuming. Her ex-husband made them share a toothbrush, and wouldn’t let her shut the bathroom door — ever. He set up cameras around the house, and fastened a GPS in her car to track her movements. Sometimes he would show up at her work unannounced, “always framed as him needing to know where I was in case the kids needed me, or because he missed me and wanted to see me, but it was just his way of regulating my behavior.”

    She was miserable, but stuck it out for 18 years. It never occurred to her to leave: She had three children, and “he had convinced me that I would be unhappy anywhere,” said Ms. G., who does fund-raising for a nonprofit. “I wasn’t only a bad wife — in every respect — but I was a negligent mother, or an overbearing mother, I was unsupportive of him, I was a bad cook, I prioritized work over family, my family liked him better than me, our friends liked him better than me. The worse I felt about myself and doubted myself and internalized his view of me and the way the world should work, the more submissive and accommodating I became.”

    In the end, it was he, not she, who filed for divorce, after catching her in an extramarital affair. She is not proud of her actions, but she is grateful it got her out of the relationship. “I would never have left if he hadn’t filed,” she said. “I was afraid.” Since then, she has been trying to re-establish connections with family members and friends.

    Dr. Fontes ultimately left her partner after four years. The decision came after she spent two weeks away from him, and realized how diminished she had become. “There were repeated telephone calls and emails every day, but it was such a relief to wake up and go to sleep without having to check in with this other person,” she said. “I recovered a sense of who I was as a separate person, my own opinions, my own perspective.”

    A version of this article appears in print on 07/12/2016, on page D4 of the NewYork edition with the headline: When Abuse Is Psychological.

    https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/07/11/with-coercive-control-the-abuse-is-psychological/

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  • Survivor Testimony

    Amelia’s story. A real-life story of coercive control and domestic abuse.

    by coercivecontrol_x17tsi August 15, 2018August 16, 2018

    The sexual abuse is the hardest part for me to think or talk about but I know that I shouldn’t…

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  • ExpertsNewsSurvivor Testimony

    Author Examines Coercive Control as Form of Abuse in Relationships

    by coercivecontrol_x17tsi August 14, 2018August 16, 2018

    We had a chance to interview Dr. Lisa Fontes, author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, about…

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  • Survivor Testimony

    The abuse that leaves no bruises: Three women powerfully describe how their men chipped away at their confidence to win control over every aspect of their lives

    by coercivecontrol_x17tsi August 14, 2018August 16, 2018

    By HELEN WALMSLEY-JOHNSON | 14 March 2018 |    Three women describe in painful detail their experiences of coercive control Unlike…

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Serena Williams Video on Financial Abuse in Coercive Control and Domestic Violence Relationships

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtsMtP5Wx08

Do You Need Help or Need To Speak To Someone

The Freedom Programme: Information for Victims and Organizations

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